June 23, 2024
How many times were you born? A lot of people would say once, and I think those people were precum babies. Reading between the lines is difficult, especially when you've been shunned all your life, but It's about trial and error now isn't it? Climbing that hill, falling back down, repeating it over and over again, it gets tiring. I was born today, but I was born on November 28th, December 17th, March 8th and March 13th as well. I've died a thousand deaths by now too. Does that surprise you? It shouldn't.
Not to the fault of anyone, I mean, you don't have to love me! I have my flaws, I make mistakes, what do you do other than judge? I'm the most authentic person you'll ever meet in your entire life. How do you see this ending? I'm always going to be on top, whether you're aware of it or not. Your heart beats fast at the thought of having no control. Some people like that. Nobody knows it but I'm a good listener, I care more than I'm cared for! I can't help it.
Theres a lot of words to describe you and I, but nothing that'll ever encapsulate what it's like to be in this position. I've been running for too long. I want to be cared for! There, I said it, how weak of me... Every few years it's different, but one thing remains constant. You can feel it too don't you? The obstacles change, the sky changes to red, sometimes blue, but also sometimes green, just never you. I really do love you, why is it so hard to have that reciprocated?
The chapters don't matter, neither does the page number. Just focus and read, read those words like your life depends on it. Happy birthday to me.
June 3, 2024
I took a few weeks off of socials and got back yesterday. Nothing really changed with the situation and the people in my life. I got randomly dropped by a friend ive known for quite some time because she felt its unfair to her bf that she has a guy friend when she'd be pissed if her bf had a girl (space) friend. I've been feeling so disposable lately not really just from being dropped as a friend randomly but from other instances this past year too. The awful situation with my ex and the breakup stuff was publicized for a few hours and then taken down after we agreed not to make a public spectacle out of it... But I think its too late for that it seems that I feel like people think weirdly of me despite not even interacting or getting to know me. T_T I don't want to harm anyone im really trying my best. It sucks so much knowing i've never formed a real connection with her, i mean i really really gave my all. i'll never be close to anyone it feels like which really sucks. I i wish someday i can fix that about myself.
May 18, 2024
Isolated. I feel clarity. I'm learning to accept it all after so many months that felt like years. I must stay true to my character; no resentment, no malice, no angst, just forgivness and acceptance and growth. And love. I won't forget though.
May 9, 2024
This wound is taking longer to heal than any other wound I've gotten before, and it's furstrating me. I often wonder if we'll ever talk like normal again, but nothing feels right with you anymore. Yet whenever we talk I still feel good, until the conversation dims down, and my thoughts fester again. Nowadays it feels like they're all part of a game that I'm not in on. I'm scared that peoples perception and idea of me has been forever spoiled by your deceitful lies and fake claims about me just to keep the lie going for a bit longer. Sometimes I think maybe I should have stayed ignorant, but it's as if the floor I was walking on turned to a conveyor belt and I had no choice but to follow its lead. You were so ingrained into my daily life I struggle to find anything to replace you with. Drawing, eating, walking, running, typing, posting. We promised we wouldn't be strangers, that we'd continue making memories together, no matter what happens. My soul feels thin and worn out, I long for you, I hate you. You're the finest work of art I've laid my eyes on, a beautiful maze sprawling with foliage from head to toe, but none of this is meant to be romantic, despite how strongly I loved and obsessed over you. I just miss us being friends.
May 4, 2024
Things will get better.
April 12, 2024
Starting fresh.