December 3, 2024
We found a bar that night, half-empty, playing old songs on the speakers. They didn't let us in because of my Canadian drivers license.
She told me stories about growing up in a town where no one left, about people she no longer talks to. I liked to trace the lines on her palm when she wasn't looking. I wonder if she noticed.
I'd look her in the eyes and tell her that we're two spirits bounded, tied to a million lifetimes. She told me she understood, but I think we both knew she didn't.
We started spending days together, like two kids playing at being adults, drinking coffee that turned cold while we talked about everything that wasn't important, and nothing that was.
She'd light a cigarette, and I'd pretend I wasn't counting the seconds between each inhale.
I never told her that I hated the smoke. It felt like a confession I wasn't ready to make.
The stars we saw that night weren't in the sky. They were in the spaces between our words, in the quiet moments where everything felt fragile and real.
To the nights that end with whispered confessions and the kind of silence that feels like understanding.
I wonder if memories know they're fading? If they feel the edges fraying, like an old photograph left in the sun.
We spent whole lifetimes in moments, until all the paths erased themselves again.
We rewrote our stories in reverse, unlearned the moments that made us, unspoken the words that broke us.
The heart is stubborn, but it remembers the shape of things, even when the details are gone.
Those moments were real to you, to me, they matter. Did we make good memories?
I've shown an infinite amount of strength and compassion, but the change has to come from within. I cannot force It or be responsible for it.
June 23, 2024
How many times were you born? A lot of people would say once, and I think those people were precum babies. Reading between the lines is difficult, especially when you've been shunned all your life, but It's about trial and error now isn't it? Climbing that hill, falling back down, repeating it over and over again, it gets tiring. I was born today, but I was born on November 28th, December 17th, March 8th and March 13th as well. I've died a thousand deaths by now too. Does that surprise you? It shouldn't.
Not to the fault of anyone, I mean, you don't have to love me! I have my flaws, I make mistakes, what do you do other than judge? I'm the most authentic person you'll ever meet in your entire life. How do you see this ending? I'm always going to be on top, whether you're aware of it or not. Your heart beats fast at the thought of having no control. Some people like that. Nobody knows it but I'm a good listener, I care more than I'm cared for! I can't help it.
Theres a lot of words to describe you and I, but nothing that'll ever encapsulate what it's like to be in this position. I've been running for too long. I want to be cared for! There, I said it, how weak of me... Every few years it's different, but one thing remains constant. You can feel it too don't you? The obstacles change, the sky changes to red, sometimes blue, but also sometimes green, just never you. I really do love you, why is it so hard to have that reciprocated?
The chapters don't matter, neither does the page number. Just focus and read, read those words like your life depends on it. Happy birthday to me.
June 3, 2024
I took a few weeks off of socials and got back yesterday. Nothing really changed with the situation and the people in my life. I got randomly dropped by a friend ive known for quite some time because she felt its unfair to her bf that she has a guy friend when she'd be pissed if her bf had a girl (space) friend. I've been feeling so disposable lately not really just from being dropped as a friend randomly but from other instances this past year too. The awful situation with my ex and the breakup stuff was publicized for a few hours and then taken down after we agreed not to make a public spectacle out of it... But I think its too late for that it seems that I feel like people think weirdly of me despite not even interacting or getting to know me. T_T I don't want to harm anyone im really trying my best. It sucks so much knowing i've never formed a real connection with her, i mean i really really gave my all. i'll never be close to anyone it feels like which really sucks. I i wish someday i can fix that about myself.
May 13, 2024
This wound is taking longer to heal than any other wound I've gotten before, and it's furstrating me. I often wonder if we'll ever talk like normal again, but nothing feels right with you anymore. Yet whenever we talk I still feel good, until the conversation dims down, and my thoughts fester again. Nowadays it feels like they're all part of a game that I'm not in on. I'm scared that peoples perception and idea of me has been forever spoiled by your deceitful lies and fake claims about me just to keep the lie going for a bit longer. Sometimes I think maybe I should have stayed ignorant, but it's as if the floor I was walking on turned to a conveyor belt and I had no choice but to follow its lead. You were so ingrained into my daily life I struggle to find anything to replace you with. Drawing, eating, walking, running, typing, posting. We promised we wouldn't be strangers, that we'd continue making memories together, no matter what happens. My soul feels thin and worn out, I long for you, I hate you. You're the finest work of art I've laid my eyes on, a beautiful maze sprawling with foliage from head to toe, but none of this is meant to be romantic, despite how strongly I loved and obsessed over you. I just miss us being friends.
May 3, 2024
Things will get better.
April 13, 2024
Starting fresh.